My Mother died when I was fifteen years old.  It was really hard.  Still is, in fact.  I truly enjoyed my Mother’s company.  I looked up to her, she wasn’t perfect, I remember that too, but she was an inherantly real good person.  I miss her.

Mothers Day gives me a kick in the gut – always has, probably always will.  I know that I am not alone – I have best friends who also have lost their Moms, there is some comfort in that.  I suspect there are folks out there, reading this, that also lost their Moms.  At any age, loosing your Mom is painful.  It is loosing your touchstone, your historian, your ‘gotcha back no matter what’ gal.  It is hard.

I miss her hands.  I am blessed with her hands.  At times, I catch my hand in the side view mirror of the car and instantly see her hands, her rings, her peachy/pink/opally polish.
I miss her smell, she wore a musky perfume.  Any chance I get to (am psychologically able to) take a sniff of anything in the musk family it brings me back to her.
I miss the you are ‘safe and sound’ feeling that a Mama provides – the good smelling, cookies in the oven feelings.  The feelings that tell you everything will be and is alright – no matter what.  There is a certain aloneness without your Mama in the world with you.
I miss that she never got to see me as a Mother.  See my kids.  She would have adored them.
I ache for my kids that they don’t have her in their lives.  That one is a killer.  My in-laws are truly wonderful grandparents – they are.  There is just something about the connection between the Mom’s Mom and her kids.  A tough one to explain.

I am thankful for the Mother that she was – while she was here.  She helped shape who I am as a person and who I am as a Mom.  I really love being a Mom.  Which is surprising because I truly doubted Motherhood was part of my journey.  I take my job, as a Mother, extremely seriously.  I believe much of that comes from my circumstances.  I am thankful for that, too.  I am thankful for my husband, who although he couldn’t possibly understand it, respects (at times, thankfully, ignores) all my weird Mom issues and tries with all his might to celebrate me.  I am thankful for the many wonderful woman in my life;  My Gram (God rest her soul), My aunt, cousins (sisters to me), friends (sisters from a previous life - I am convinced), mother & sister-in-laws.  I am so thankful for my two healthy little monkeys.  They are growing into such kind human beings.  I couldn’t be more thankful for them.

So – if your Mama is still with you, give her call, a hug, a sniff, and hold her hand.  Tell her, Happy Mothers Day, and celebrate her in whatever way you can.  Celebrate yourself as well.
If your Mama isn’t with you, it is ok to feel a little spoil-sport today.  No matter how long it has been since she passed or how old/young you may be.  It is ok to remember and to feel blue – but let that feeling be a fleeting one.  Experience it, let it pass, then celebrate in a way that would make her proud.  Celebrate Her.  Allow yourself to be celebrated.  Celebrate yourself.  Your kids want to see you happy.  Happy Mother’s Day.